across as at audience avengers blouse bounces breasts d-a-v-i-n-i-a diaphanous disguised from gasp he her i-i-i-i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-s-s-s-s-s material of right set she show slightly stage straining studio the then tv
created at TagCrowd.com
The music swelled and the studio lights gradually came up to reveal a fully functioning kitchen. Now that familiar tune, crudely borrowed and slightly disguised from the TV show The Avengers. Then, from stage right, i-i-i-i-i-i-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-t-s-s-s-s-s D-A-V-I-N-I-A. The studio audience gasp as she bounces across the set, he breasts straining at the diaphanous material of her blouse, her blond hair streaming behind her, eyes blazing with that, now-famous, look. She comes to a stop behind her massive wooden chopping board cum table and waits for the applause to die down. Gradually the thunderous adoration is reduced to a few isolated handclaps and the occasional wolf whistle. Davinia looks out into the lights and says "Thank you Frederick." This brings a cacophony of fresh laughter and then further applause from the crowd. "Welcome to episode five of Cooking with Davinia. Tonight we focus on salads and I know I have some delicious little morsels for you. And please,” (here she stage suppresses a giggle) “ do try this at home." The expected crowd response is immediate and prolonged.
Davinia starts to explain the various oils and vinegars that make up the basic ingredients in vinaigrettes and dressings while she absent mindedly massages up and down the neck of a particularly well constructed olive oil bottle with her thumb and forefinger. The males in the audience shift uncomfortably in their seats. She suddenly realises what she is doing and with girl-like-embarrassment she blushes, causing the Floor Director to yell "Cut, cut, cut." He loudly taunts Davinia to get her bloody act together and is she ready for a two shot of the start up again. There is murmuring heard in the audience, mostly directed at the Directors crude interruption of what, for many of them, has been an inspiring moment in the career of Davinia White, Mistress of Chefs. True, there had been the rumours of the failed marriages, the affairs, the scandal in the country manor, the drugs, but now Davinia is at the top of her profession. From airline hostess, to author, to top TV cooking presenter. In just four years.
"Right Mr Director Person", Davinia, taking her cue from the audiences anger, lets do that two shot and could I have some water over here." Davinia then adds a very ironic please which brings a further response from the audience. Had they known that the 'water' was in fact straight vodka they may have been less generous in their rapture.
"I will first show you how to make a basic dressing to go on any salad." Davinia crushed garlic and Maldon salt, mustard and peppercorns in her pestle then added balsamic vinegar and olive oil. Her vigorous manipulation of the pestle caused fascinating movements of her voluptuous breasts and now both men and women were lost in her story of why Lord Mountbatten had been a more competent maker of vinaigrettes than Queen Elizabeth. She finished by titling the resulting mixture to the camera for an overhead close-up. She was on a roll.
The Benzedrine was starting to kick in as she moved to her glass of water and downed 7ozs in one long gulp. But Davinia remained focussed. Apart from the Benzedrine and the vodka she was drug free. Or was that yesterday? "I'll now explain a little bit about the various leaves that make up a salad. Isn't that a fascinating word leaves? Like loaves and fishes, and, indeed salad leafs are our most basic food items." Davinia starts to show the curly endive, the rocket, the cos, and the Chinese cabbages but she seemed to be dropping leaves as she spoke and the floor of the kitchen was starting to resemble a battlefield. Fortunately the camera can lie and the TV audience would only see the glorious Davinia reciting another hilarious anecdote to win ratings and, hopefully, another series.
"Now, darlings. Lets put this all together in our first salad of the evening - a hot beef salad with an Asian flavour. First we will wash our salad. Personally I don't favour washing but most cooks do, so we will do it tonight. Opps taps only for decoration. Well we will use this drinking water." Davinia drowns her lettuce leafs with 60 proof vodka. "Now we will dry them off by whirling with this little whirly thing. Weeee! Oh that’s so much fun." The audience are still with Davinia but there is some murmuring in the front row. "Next we slice up some of this rare beef that through the miracle of television has suddenly appeared in front of me." Davinia, after loudly demanding more water, has started to cut into the meat when a tear forms in the corner of her eye and then she asks for the cameras to stop rolling. As she downs another glass of water she tells the audience how she was driving to the television studio this very morning when, out of the corner of her eye, she notices what she thinks if a piece of paper blowing toward her Mercedes SL Turbo with white leather seats and Blaupluket stereo just newly purchased for a mere $300,000US. Then there is a sickening thump, and Davinia looks in the rear vision mirror and a beautiful off white Burmese, or possibly, Pekinese, she always gets the two mixed up, cat is desperately trying to get back on its feet and Davinia watches in horror, ignoring the path of her own vehicle, and her own very personal safety, as the poor creature writhes and turns. But its little back or legs or paws are broken and suddenly it just goes all loose and twitches one last time. And this meat has reminded her of the cat and she is just filled with remorse and horror and she will have to waste at least one, possibly two, sessions with her very expensive therapist, trying to work out the inner meaning of all this.
A few members of the audience are getting to their feet and moving out of the studio and the Director, who knows Davinia, and who knows that Davinia works best when she is in this crazy, zany, drug and alcohol fuelled rage that she has now entered, calls for the cameras to start rolling and could Davinia please get her act together. Knowing that this is the trigger that will get Davinia through the rest of the show. And Davinia then adds the oven-scorched red peppers and the feta cheese and the toasted pine-nuts that have all been prepared beforehand. Davinia then tosses the dressing over the combined ingredients and then after wiping the mascara that has smeared the off camera side of her face immerses her hands in the mixture and gently massages it like the lover that massaged her this morning or was that last week?
Then Davinia dishes a small amount of the salad onto a small plate and the final test, the Tasting. The Director, who knows Davinia well, knows that he has to have split second timing here or the days filming will be a complete waste of time. Davinia spoons a portion into the red gash of her mouth and the camera stops as she suddenly exhales salad, vodka, last nights pizza, this mornings croissant and coffee over the studio kitchen. Another day, cooking with Davinia.
No comments:
Post a Comment